Look Forward If You Can

Look forward if you can, I told Tim tonight as he stressed about another home repair issue.

Advice I need to take myself.

It's just I'm struggling to see ahead of me, to dream, to imagine the future.

Is there a soul mate? Are there children?

I feel certain there are adventures and my amazing friends and my loving, supportive family but do I have a family of my own? A person who is a partner and confidant?

Lots of very close but not necessarily in the same circle friends and I have talked about commune living when we get older - I'm down with the idea - how wonderful to have all your dearest darling friends together on one street or one plot of land or even in one gigantic house.

But would that really happen? Would it be when we're 80 and not while I'm alone and growing older?

Perhaps I should just focus on the immediate future - kitchen, bathrooms, decorating what I have, learning to sail, getting out of debt - and not the rest of my life.

The problem is that the rest of my life is very nearly here.

Lead With Your Heart

Will I Let Myself? 

At yoga last night, we were told "lead with your heart" as we moved. I thought what great advice in life too. I will try, I promised myself and besties Kate and Jess as we stood on the sand together, hands at heart center, watching the dolphins playing in the incredible sunset.

I came home and realized I have to make up with optimism before I can truly lead with my heart.

Optimism and I have been best friends my entire life but we've had a falling out over love. I don't know that I'll find love again. I don't know if THE one to complete me and I him exists. I always thought so but now I'm not sure and I feel broken.

Not that my last love was perfect - it certainly was not - and I don't want it back. It was toxic - not always - but most of it probably. I lost myself in the world and to friends. I found many things about myself that are new and interesting and worthwhile and I'm glad I did. But I needed the rest of me too.

There were many parts of that relationship, especially in the beginning and often throughout that I want again, and I wonder will I find them and if I do, will I allow my heart to open?

Will I find someone I feel like I fit with like a puzzle piece - oddly shaped but attached at every point?

Will I find someone who will hold my hand when we sleep, snuggle me up as the big spoon and me as the little spoon?

Will I find someone I want to tell everything to and can't wait to hear everything he is going to tell me?

Will I find someone who is a true partner - someone to plan with and dream with and then make it all happen? Someone who is a doer and can be a doer with me. A doer of fun things, serious things, even the boring daily things. I don't need to be attached at the hip - but sometimes that can be fun. I don't want to lose myself or buy matching sweaters - but I want someone who we want to do things with, want to introduce to friends and family.

Will I find the guy who will be honest and faithful, fun, spontaneous, loving, generous of his heart and time? The guy who will make time for me and I for him? The guy who can be my best friend?

Or am I best friended out? Have I given my heart enough and now I'm finished? If I do find that man, will I let him in so we can be all these things to each other?

I just don't know.

I'm not really looking right now - though I guess maybe we always are. I feel like it's too soon for me, despite that he has so quickly moved on. Well actually he did that long before he moved out, long before he told me he was going, long before I decided he needed to go.

Trusting, loving, opening up - heavy stuff - though when it's happening, it feels light and easy and wonderful. I hope I can get there again.

I'm going to lead with my heart, try to have it open if - when? - that person shows up.

Living in the Moment

Yesterday
I'm trying to remember yesterday. I want that feeling back.

Standing on my head at beach yoga. The sand between my fingers. I imagined it as the instructor told us to do, and with her help, I did it.

I was out running and there was a rainbow in the clouds that was a delightful surprise. 

Awesome find in the iPhone app store: middle finger emoji. Just knowing they exist (mean flipping off, smiling flipping off and blowing kisses and flipping the bird) on my phone now makes me grin - a slightly evil, mischievous grin.

At home, Henrietta Hoots was in her usual spot under the bush - my aloof outdoor fuzzy.

I sat for a few minutes and blew bubbles and smiled at the joy of it. 

My lovely, wonderful, kind, superstar friend Kate stopped by and giggled at me and my bubble blowing. She brought me a coloring book - perfect! 

We had just read this in an article on Openmind.com:
"Coloring allows to unlock your creative potential. Perhaps more important, it helps relieve tension and anxiety. It unlocks memories of childhood and simpler times." - See more at: http://www.the-open-mind.com/according-to-psychologists-coloring-is-the-best-alternative-to-meditation/#sthash.tdpObpNv.dpuf

I should definitely color today. I feel gray like the sky outside.

I'm building layers every hour to brighten everything: beach yoga with always positive and lovely Jess; dolphins; hearts in my chai; love flowing in and out between friends near and far; thinking about my grandmother who died this week six years ago and who would have been 86 at the end of this month; thinking about my grandfather far away in Kentucky who I'm sure is thinking of her.

Namaste