Is the Moon To Blame?

Something New and Weird EverydayMy life is honestly never boring. I can be completely alone and something will happen to make me laugh or need assistance - it's usually something ridiculous I have done unintentionally. I would love to be able to blame the moon - we have had some wild ones - full, red, new, eclipsed - with wild tides lately.

My friends are very aware of this talent I have.
Jess text this last night after I shared that I was out running and lost the key to my parents' house somewhere along the way, "Seriously Kyle ... How do you do this? It's an art maybe."
As I walked to retrace my 3+ miles, Kate followed up with, "Lol I'll say it again, you need a reality show."

It's true. And it's really no wonder people worry when I take on projects such as replacing a faucet or even hanging a picture. You should see the frightened looks I get when I mention I am going to change the electrical receptacles or that I now own two little sailboats. They seem certain I'm going to somehow kill myself.

I am the queen of mishaps and I am weird-accident prone. Not just accident prone, it has to be the most bizarre situation such as the time earlier this year that corrugated metal fell on the tops of my feet, cutting them to pieces. 

Health wise too - when my appendix went crazy, it was behind my intestines so it was harder to find and I didn't have regular symptoms. When my gallbladder stopped working, I didn't fit the profile, I was in severe pain, blood pressure through the roof. Doctors kept me in the hospital for a week trying to find out what was wrong. When surgeons decided to take the gallbladder, it was supposed to be a 45-minute surgery. For me, it was 3 1/2 hours.

Surprising even to me is the fact that I am coordinated in many ways - just not necessarily at the basics - walking for instance. I can run without falling on my head, play ice hockey, water ski, kayak, paddle board, swim, fish and just today I stood on my head. Yoga tripod anyway -  I was on my head, hands on the mat between my face and  my body, legs up on my arms, feet off the ground. Tripod.

I replaced a bathroom faucet without breaking anything or flooding the condo. I have changed my car battery by myself, along with fuses and headlights. I know how to find the knowledge even if it's something I have never done. And I'm generally not afraid. But it's never going to be right the first time - I have to do it twice, get my bracelet caught in the ratchet tie down, put the hockey net together backwards - things like that.

Sunday after our win

During the game

Because I can't just catch fish

Keeper snapper I didn't keep

For the next project

That I found the key last night was amazing for anyone. Friend Tim gave an over-under of 80-20 to the bad. It was very me to actually find it, more me that I found it after completely retracing the 3 1/2 miles and then seeing it a few hundred yards from the house - at midnight.
It could be an art form - someone want to pay me for these spontaneous talents?

THE key

People blame the moon for bizarre crimes, wild behavior, mood swings.

Unfortunately for me - or fortunately since I like who I am - I can't hide behind the moon and her crazy ways. I have to own my mishaps, life events and actions - the good, the silly and the bad.

Upside down is good

Showing Tim the proper camping hat

You Just Have To Laugh Or You'll Cry

Embarrassing Happenings of This Grownup

My water was turned off today. For Nonpayment.

That's right - I'm 45 years old, have a very good full-time job and now a part-time job - and my water was turned off.

These are the continuing remnants of the past year and a half of what was the right decision at the time - taking care of my then little family. I fell behind months ago on everything and am trying desperately to catch up while keeping a sense of humor about it all.

And while I'm being honest about these embarrassing days - I mean heck, I have already shown you my sinkless kitchen - last week my cable/Internet were turned off. My Internet - necessary  for me to do said well-paid full-time job - was restored the same day after I panicked trying to figure out how to scrounge up the back payment and my friend (who asked she not be named) plopped a credit card on me and said pay it and pay me back when you can.

The water - well, I received a notice the same day the Internet was turned off. I called and e-mailed the city right after the cable company, pleading my pathetic case and asking for more time - just until Oct. 31. I was told, just make a small payment to show you are making an effort and we'll work with you. I did just that that very day and thought I had until the end of this week. But wham! today, a red notice was tucked in my front door and the water was shut off. I called the city and said - but I thought we had a deal. They remembered me but said you didn't try hard enough, too bad. It will be restored when you pay the back amount of $300.


When it rains it pours I guess. I mean let's see how it could be worse - I could be alone, broke, exhausted and sick with the worst of awful non-fatal illnesses - the UTI. Oh wait! I actually have all those things going on! 

Yes, things could still be worse. I'm really really hoping I'm at the bottom of my worst though.

So let's laugh about all this and let it go - as the song says. (You're welcome for the ear worm).

It's going to be fine - I'm just going to have to keep crawling and climbing out of the muck.

I have amazing friends and family - near and far. I live in paradise. I have a great job that works my mind and challenges me and a really fun and interesting part-time job that also is a challenge and keeps me surrounded by great people all day. I will get over the UTI soon with the help of antibiotics. I will run and go to yoga and play hockey and work on my condo a little bit at a time and eventually get to my boat.

And I will eat Ramen like I'm back in college.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX50U0duMJw
Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears "I'm Broke"

Tim Says Be Useful to Somebody

Am I Doing That Ever? Or Am Wallowing in Self Pity?

A couple of times since my college friend and former newspaper colleague Tim and I reconnected, he has said to me to "go be useful to somebody."

He said it again today - or wrote it since all of our communication has been by text or Facebook Messenger. "Be useful to somebody tonight."

It struck me that I'm pretty much only being useful to myself right now - and then sometimes not even then. Sometimes I'm being harmful to myself - not physically of course. But in my actions or words - I'm not helping myself in some of those instances.

Tim has found his usefulness - he is a high school teacher and running coach. I mean wow, that is really giving of yourself. I've seen in the past few weeks how much he gives to these kids - and he loves it. Or most of the time - maybe not when his seniors are misbehaving. I am sure he is much more than teacher or coach to many more people - he has been useful to me of late. Honest and open, encouraging and funny.

I thought that I was giving - to my little family. Then I thought I had nothing to offer anyone else in my current state. But I think that's what Tim is saying - give back in a big way - though he is telling me to start small - and you'll find yourself. At least that's what I'm taking from it.

It's good advice - if you finish each day and answer the question how did I help someone today, you can't wallow too much in your own muck - and perhaps your muck gets clearer because you are useful to somebody.

It's the end of the night and I'm not sure I can say I was useful to anyone. I will try again tomorrow. All we can do is try right?

Love, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Joy

Right on My Doorstep

My doormat is usually turned around for visitors to read as they stand at the door. Yesterday, the groundskeepers turned it the other direction with the leaf blower, and this morning it was positioned for me to see. 

Love. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Joy.

I purchased it when we first moved in as a reminder to J and me to be this to each other and to remember that this condo was more than just a dwelling, more than a project, but our home. 

Today, it was a reminder to me that I should have been seeing and following this daily, that I have strayed from these words and actions - in my anger and my self reflection and selfishness. I go to yoga practice two to three times a week where these actions, these feelings make up the majority of what we try to bring into our bodies.

This morning, I realized I'm failing.


I'm going to keep the doormat turned toward me. I'll keep my hands up at yoga this morning to receive and I'll make these words my intention.

Yoga Today

Instructor Debby quoted that there are four kinds of people in the world: Happy, Unhappy, Virtuous and Wicked.

She encouraged us to be happy for those who are happy, to be compassionate toward those who are unhappy, delight in the virtuous and disregard the wicked - don't react, be unattached.

Debby said she chose this lesson for me today. She is a knowing soul.  I so appreciate it. It touched me and I thought first that it is so difficult to not react and second that perhaps I'm the wicked.
I hope not.

The end of our practice also touched me more than on other days. I'm paraphrasing:

May you always have good thoughts for yourself and others.
May you always say good things about yourself and others.
May you always take right action toward yourself and others.

I must take all this to heart, along with Love. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Joy.

Love And Hate Are Sometimes Separated By A Breath

Behaving Badly

Love and hate - such strong emotions with often just a hairline separating them.

I was an ass this afternoon. I thought he saw me and was ignoring me because she was on the boat with him. He turned around just in time to see me flipping him the double bird as they glided through the water.

It felt good for a minute - a second really - and then immediate shame and embarrassment. 

I feel like a real jerk. No matter what I think he has done to me, no matter how hurt I have been, that behavior is not appropriate. We had had such a nice and what I thought was an honest conversation in the early afternoon. That's why I was so hurt when I thought he saw me but ignored me. 

Emotions overwhelmed me and I lashed out. It was the first time I had seen the two of them together. Hurt, ego, anger. I never said I did no wrong here. I never said I was perfect. I'm just writing, expressing and hopefully learning.

Friends say he deserved it, don't feel bad. But he didn't and I do. 

Classless. That's not me.

Strong emotions are good to feel but I will be glad when this overwhelming love/hate subsides.

Peace, calm, love and joy are what I'm looking for. I probably should get back to my condo repairs.

I tried to shake it off by painting my friend Mike's toes on his artificial limb as I confessed my bad behavior at the marina. 

Lead With Your Heart

Will I Let Myself? 

At yoga last night, we were told "lead with your heart" as we moved. I thought what great advice in life too. I will try, I promised myself and besties Kate and Jess as we stood on the sand together, hands at heart center, watching the dolphins playing in the incredible sunset.

I came home and realized I have to make up with optimism before I can truly lead with my heart.

Optimism and I have been best friends my entire life but we've had a falling out over love. I don't know that I'll find love again. I don't know if THE one to complete me and I him exists. I always thought so but now I'm not sure and I feel broken.

Not that my last love was perfect - it certainly was not - and I don't want it back. It was toxic - not always - but most of it probably. I lost myself in the world and to friends. I found many things about myself that are new and interesting and worthwhile and I'm glad I did. But I needed the rest of me too.

There were many parts of that relationship, especially in the beginning and often throughout that I want again, and I wonder will I find them and if I do, will I allow my heart to open?

Will I find someone I feel like I fit with like a puzzle piece - oddly shaped but attached at every point?

Will I find someone who will hold my hand when we sleep, snuggle me up as the big spoon and me as the little spoon?

Will I find someone I want to tell everything to and can't wait to hear everything he is going to tell me?

Will I find someone who is a true partner - someone to plan with and dream with and then make it all happen? Someone who is a doer and can be a doer with me. A doer of fun things, serious things, even the boring daily things. I don't need to be attached at the hip - but sometimes that can be fun. I don't want to lose myself or buy matching sweaters - but I want someone who we want to do things with, want to introduce to friends and family.

Will I find the guy who will be honest and faithful, fun, spontaneous, loving, generous of his heart and time? The guy who will make time for me and I for him? The guy who can be my best friend?

Or am I best friended out? Have I given my heart enough and now I'm finished? If I do find that man, will I let him in so we can be all these things to each other?

I just don't know.

I'm not really looking right now - though I guess maybe we always are. I feel like it's too soon for me, despite that he has so quickly moved on. Well actually he did that long before he moved out, long before he told me he was going, long before I decided he needed to go.

Trusting, loving, opening up - heavy stuff - though when it's happening, it feels light and easy and wonderful. I hope I can get there again.

I'm going to lead with my heart, try to have it open if - when? - that person shows up.

Cooking Again - A Good Sign

No Sink, No Counters, No Problem

I  cooked an actual meal for myself last night for the first time in months - not pasta and jarred sauce, not cereal or hummus. A meal- oven-baked fresh snapper, roasted Brussels sprouts with paprika and apple cider vinegar, chive Polenta. It's a milestone I think, especially if I continue to be motivated to cook.

I enjoy cooking and I'm good at creating dishes or making someone else's recipe my own. Whether cooking for myself or a party of people, I want to make pretty, tasty, interesting food.

Even without a full kitchen for the past year, I was able to make healthy, delicious meals for my little family nearly every night.

J  had been a professional chef so when he cooked, it was a thing of beauty. My meals weren't the most amazing presentations but they were always interesting, colorful and delicious. K, at 8, would marvel at the things I came up with and always asked when I picked her up from school what I was making for dinner. And when she really liked something such as a full vegetarian meal of Brussels sprouts, asparagus, salad and raw corn (her favorite thing to eat), crab chowder or salad nicoise, she would ask if we could please please have it again the next night.

K is a terrific eater - she'll try most things and would always eat the fruit or veggies I brought her when I picked her up in the afternoons first before the goldfish or string cheese.

After everyone moved out, I lost interest in most things and stopped cooking - often climbing into bed having eaten a few crackers or a piece of cheese during the day. I hadn't been eating much even before that - I don't eat when I'm stressed or sad. I had been very stressed for months as the relationship was falling apart, and then I was incredibly sad. I still am some days.

Last night's meal was inspired while fishing with a new friend Mark on Sunday night after working all day at the marina. I didn't catch anything but he caught two beautiful snapper that he filleted and gave to me. The meal also was inspired by beach yoga earlier in the evening - a beautiful practice on the beach where we focused on aparigraha - non attachment. We poured out the junk in our heads and hearts as the sun set and the wind whipped. I thought: junk out, now let's put something lovely in.

Unattached to my mat and covered in sand

Feeling lucky to be alive, to get to see this

Last night was a possible breakthrough - it felt like the start of something fresh and new. I still need a finished kitchen, I still need a lot more work on me and all my projects, but I'm trying to looking forward.

  

 

Electricity - Should I or Shouldn't I?

A Shocking Concern

Electricity - I know nothing about it and it scares me. It apparently scares a lot of people - even those who deal with it frequently. J was always nervous when it came to electricity though he knew what he was doing.

I want to finish changing out the electrical receptacles - you know, the light switches and outlets. Not just the covers but changing the boring white switches and plugs to sexy black ones.

I watched J replace some of the receptacles  while I stood by and turned off and on breakers, ready to to push him off the wires if he was shocked. It seemed very complicated.

Should I try to finish it on my own? Ply a girlfriend with promises of wine and have her stand watch while I attempt this - after some research, the purchasing of at least one book AND a voltage tester?

The School House Rock "Electricity" song keeps running through my head:
Current flowing to and fro, makes a circuit ofElectricity, ElectricityVoltage is the pressure that makes it go.It's pushin' uh... Electricity, Electricity...Watts will tell you just how muchYou'll be usin'Uh... Electricity, ElectricityPowerful stuff, so watch that plug! It's potent

Electricity, ElectricityElectricity, Electricity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLuPNThw0RE


Keep you posted.
 

10-Minute Improvement

Not Every Project Has to be a Big One

I have five drawings from Afghanistan that are cutely framed landscape scenes from a still war-torn country I visited twice in 2003. I very much want to return to Afghanistan, to finish or re-imagine a documentary I started so many years ago.

Hanging the drawings in my bedroom to look at when I go to bed at night will hopefully be encouraging and inspirational.

The frames have been sitting in a stack next the wall on which I planned to hang them for at least a month. Today on a break from work, I looked at them and said "let's do it."

A hammer, some nails, a pencil and a step ladder were all that were required. Oh and tweezers after I tapped a nail flush with the wall. Come on, certainly I was going to complicate a job this simple.Ten minutes and the frames were up. They make a nice view from my bed - and finally something is on the walls - or at least one wall.

After work, I have to take them down and clean them. The glass is filthy. I just wanted the job done - no time for cleaning in that 10 minutes. Haha

Living in the Moment

Yesterday
I'm trying to remember yesterday. I want that feeling back.

Standing on my head at beach yoga. The sand between my fingers. I imagined it as the instructor told us to do, and with her help, I did it.

I was out running and there was a rainbow in the clouds that was a delightful surprise. 

Awesome find in the iPhone app store: middle finger emoji. Just knowing they exist (mean flipping off, smiling flipping off and blowing kisses and flipping the bird) on my phone now makes me grin - a slightly evil, mischievous grin.

At home, Henrietta Hoots was in her usual spot under the bush - my aloof outdoor fuzzy.

I sat for a few minutes and blew bubbles and smiled at the joy of it. 

My lovely, wonderful, kind, superstar friend Kate stopped by and giggled at me and my bubble blowing. She brought me a coloring book - perfect! 

We had just read this in an article on Openmind.com:
"Coloring allows to unlock your creative potential. Perhaps more important, it helps relieve tension and anxiety. It unlocks memories of childhood and simpler times." - See more at: http://www.the-open-mind.com/according-to-psychologists-coloring-is-the-best-alternative-to-meditation/#sthash.tdpObpNv.dpuf

I should definitely color today. I feel gray like the sky outside.

I'm building layers every hour to brighten everything: beach yoga with always positive and lovely Jess; dolphins; hearts in my chai; love flowing in and out between friends near and far; thinking about my grandmother who died this week six years ago and who would have been 86 at the end of this month; thinking about my grandfather far away in Kentucky who I'm sure is thinking of her.

Namaste

Funk and Random Ramblings

Ramblin' On

Random Thought No. 1
I cannot tie knots to save my life - and one day I may have to - or at least to save my boat.
I can tie a line from a boat onto a cleat and vise versa but standing in my bedroom trying to make a simple bowline - forget it. arrrrrgh so frustrating! But I'll get it. It takes practice.

Random Thought No. 2
My physical therapist cleared me to run a 5K next week - it will be ugly and slow but it's a suds run so there will be craft beer after - yay. I ran 3 miles today - 2 in a row without a walk in between and then another mile after physical therapy.

Not So Random Thoughts
I'm in a funk today - found out some truths about my last relationship that were tough to swallow. Let's just say the songs I have been playing all day have the lyrics "I hate you so much right now" and "Since you've been gone, I can breath again. I'm so movin' on."

This is probably very healthy.

To help me out of the funk I got busy - what's that in "Shawshank Redemption" - "Get busy living or get busy dying." 

I want to be busy living. 

1. First I chatted online with sisters Heather and Summer - funny, smart, thoughtful women who are encouraging and loving and just, well awesome.

2. The run and PT

3. I changed my air conditioner filter. Ok, it was 3 months late, but I finally did it. I was busy having my heart broken and dealing with life. My pulmonologist wouldn't be happy - don't tell him.

Tool purchased just for this job

Have to take this cover off

Doing it

Gross old filter

Pretty new filter

4. I visited friends at the marina where I work on weekends, taking them some pictures from the weekend to hang on the walls.

5. I went to my friends' Chris and Jess's 4-year-old daughter's flag football game.  Too funny and adorable!

6. Jess and I sneaked away and went to beach yoga. BEACH YOGA - nothing better. 

7. I stopped at Joey's Pizza for the best calamari ever made - spicy, buttery, delicious. I got it to go and returned to the marina for no. 8.

8. I went fishing on a perfect night filled with stars and a soft breeze.

Here fishy fishy

Funk be gone, I say! 

Under Pressure

The Faucet Story and the Feisty Friend

This post was going to start out much differently until I met David yesterday. Friends Erin and Karl introduced us at the marina where I am now working on weekends. On Sundays, there's football watching and beer, fried cheese curds, hamburgers and good times.

Somehow I told David (married by the way - let's not get excited) about my blog. He read the first entry immediately. Then he laid into me - "do it yourself," he said. "This sounds like you want this J to come back and help" - something like that anyway. Nooooo, I argued, you have to keep reading - this blog is a journey and I HAVE been doing it. "The first thing you need to do is put that kitchen sink in," he continued. If I could I would, I said. I don't know how to build things so I can't finish my kitchen totally on my own. And I can't afford to pay anyone to do it right now.  And it's a unique design. While agreeing the kitchen and concept are very cool - he still found my reasoning pitiful excuses for not having kitchen counters or a sink installed for more than a year. 

David continued the argument - in a very friendly and funny way with my friends interjecting as well - coming up with at least one name of a person who could help me but who I also should be fixed up with. Oh my.

So anyway... now I have to write the faucet story, and it's dedicated to this hilarious, opinionated, David, to show him I can and have been doing it myself. And maybe I WILL learn how to use the miter saw in my kitchen. Ok - I WILL learn how to use it. :) 

Bathroom Faucet

I took on the refrigerator water line successfully so I felt empowered enough a few days later to tackle a bathroom faucet replacement. I figured it wasn't my only faucet in the house so if it took a few days or I had to call in reinforcements - friends who have done this - I could. 

I was armed with a book I bought for $1 at a local consignment shop, YouTube, and advice from my friend Dougie: "don't forget upside down righty tighty, lefty loosey" - I would learn what he meant the hard way.

Ok YouTube, lead the way.

First, the old faucet had to come out. This took hours rather than the 5 minutes it should have because I was upside down under the sink turning the wrong way - upside down righty tighty, lefty loosy - you have to think about the faucet parts being installed before the sink went in - as if you were standing over the sink looking down, not underneath looking up. Lesson learned - though not all the bolts were like this - tricky tricky.

Faucet out, I had to get the pop-up drain out -- you know, the thing that keeps water in when you want to fill the sink. I didn't know it's name before this. Well, it's attached to several parts and a drain pipe that needs removing from underneath and above. I used more wrenches than I know the names of to try to hold one piece and turn the other, to loosen. Nothing was working.

Gross

Getting started

Old pipe wrench

I text friends Chris and Brad. I YouTubed. I had a beer. I broke a sweat. I got my yoga mat to lay on because the tile floor was now hurting from all this upside down work. Finally I decided with all this research that I was going to have to cut the pipe off. I drove to Chris's and borrowed his Sawzall - I have used one once for fun and under supervision. Chris thought I could do it. Brad told me to be careful not to cut the sink. J (yes I told him what I was doing) freaked out and said not to do it.

I got a bit nervous about the power saw - tried a few more times with the wrenches and then found a hacksaw among J's grandfather's tools and got to it. 

Old faucet out, on to the new one.

Drain pipe, water lines. I started working on this around 8:30 p.m. and then ran out of thread seal tape, which you need to well, seal the threads around the new connections. I went to the 3 grocery stores on the island and called 2 of the drug stores - none to be found and both Ace hardware stores had long since closed for the night. 

Frustrated about not being able to finish the project that night, I decided I had to complete something so I installed a new cloth shower curtain and liner to replace the plastic one in my bathroom. I can see the hot air balloons when I'm taking a shower - very happy and uplifting. 

Oui Oui

As soon as I finished work the next afternoon, I went to my parents' house, where Dad via Facebook told me he had some thread seal tape in the garage.

Back home and back to the faucet, I connected the water lines and moved them about to make sense and some room. Then I installed the pop-up assembly - that's what let's you pull or push the lever in the back and faucet to keep water in or let it out. Kind of difficult to do in the tiny space under the sink - and I kept referring to YouTube and the diagram that came with the faucet. But I finally got it - I think it still needs to be adjusted but it works!

Moment of truth: turn the water back on. The first time I turned it on, major leakage below. I just had to tighten the bolts and then voila! 

I ran outside with my arms in the air as if I had just won Olympic gold. I looked around for someone to tell and my neighbor Jeff finally pulled up in his car. I blurted out -  I just replaced a bathroom faucet! 

What's next? Miter saw? Kitchen?
Maybe, David, just maybe. 

Bamboo Keyboard?!!

It Matches the Toilets

I don't have counter tops or a kitchen sink installed but I have a  bamboo keyboard - and mouse - that match my toilet seats and the cutting board that eventually will be part of the counter tops. 

J (exBF) ordered them but his computer is fried. His mail is still delivered here so he stops by sometimes to say hello. "I really need these - borrow?" He agreed! He was going to send them back - but how could you? So pretty!

 I suspect I will be placing another order for him at some point because I don't want to give these up!

Matching bamboo: