Condo Anniversary

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

Three years ago this week I closed on my condo. I own it - kind of - the bank owns it in my name right? It seemed appropriate I was driving home from more than a week in Miami for work on my condo anniversary.

"It's come a long way," B said as we clinked wine glasses. He asked if I was happy to be home - ABSOLUTELY! Though B and I had a lovely time in Miami when I was there over the weekend. We drove to Islamorada in The Keys for something different. We swam in the fancy hotel pool, went for long walks and took a boat ride in the rain on a warm day.

I like home. 

As much as still needs doing, my home really has been transformed. I mean seriously - I had friends come to stay when I had a dishwasher (working by the way) sitting in the middle of the unfinished kitchen. I was using my powder room as my kitchen counter top and sink. Amber and Josh can attest to this. We made due and they didn't care - they were here to see me, not my kitchen. They could see the vision. Probably they saw right through lmfh too.

Or perhaps like most of my close friends, they thought I saw something they didn't. They saw me with Kaia and Largo and knew I was good with them and they were good with me. Why do I keep mentioning them? I'm over him - I promise - been way over him for a long time.

I miss Kaia and Largo - though I guess I have to be over those two sweet souls too. They affected me though. We're days away from Kaia's birthday. And I still have a damn hole in my duvet that Largo caused. Makes me laugh. It's time for a new duvet.

I ordered one months ago that is on back order. Figures. It was supposed to arrive this week - THAT would have been perfect. I called Urban Outfitters today and was told it was set to arrive to the company June 2 and then will be sent out to me by June 4. Eye roll. But maybe - just maybe - the court case will be finished by then. And then maybe that's better timing for this symbolic change.

I almost feel like I should burn it but that might require some sort of anger I don't have anymore - well I do have it over the lies and the money he still owes me. I think replacing the duvet and perhaps burning a hat I think I still have of his will be good for me. Or I just throw them without feeling into the garbage - like I did a harmonica a few weeks ago after I came across it in a drawer.

People might say - get over it. Kind of like - if you think you're healthy, you will be. Mind over matter - when you have chronic illnesses that you are TRYING to resolve. I AM over it - over him, not quite over how I got into the mess and definitely not over the money I am owed. I have been having bad dreams lately - a lot of them. I think it has to do with the looming court date.

Hoping this will be the last one. 

I slept the best I have in weeks last night. No dreams - just sleep. 

Maybe this will be the first step to less stress and getting healthy. I just want to be healthy and boring - boring in that I run everyday, play hockey a couple of times a week and go to the beach and do all the boring things like cleaning my house and running errands with ease. Boring. Normal. 

B asked me if I felt that stress played a big role in my illnesses coming about. Absolutely. 

No stress with him - as I've said - he is lovely and wonderful and patient. 

Yay for that. 

More to come.

Healthy is a Feeling

(Written Wednesday, May 10, on a hotel notepad while enjoying a beautiful view).

To borrow from my yoga studio's post: Health is not a look; it's a feeling.

After a recent blog post, more than couple of people told me I should stop worrying about how I look and just be happy. For me - the two often are inseparable. When I'm feeling healthy, I can do all the things that make me look healthy inside and out. There's a glow that comes from the inside - from endorphins and joy and feeling right with the world. And there are the physical changes that come from being active.

So what I'm saying is I don't feel well or healthy. I won't repeat the myriad of ailments and symptoms I have previously discussed (whined about). But I will tell you about the hope I have after meeting with the functional medicine doctor I mentioned.

I like her - Dr. T I'll call her. She's my age, talks a mile a minute and seems to know her stuff.

She didn't start our first appointment with "so what's going on? Why are you here?" Instead, she had read and studied the questionnaire that took an hour and a half to complete. She had come up with a hypothesis about my health but had a few blanks to fill and some blood work to check (that's on hold until I return from a work trip).

Dr. T also took recent tests and studied those instead of making me repeat them - no need to add to the health-care bill - thank goodness!

After writing down the long list of meds I take each day - for asthma, for allergies, for SIBO - and perusing some nutrient levels, Dr. T. said: well no wonder you are complaining of weight gain!" She said the drug cocktail alone could cause me to pack on pounds but deficiencies in vitamins A, D, B12, B6, iron and protein have sent my body into panic mode - holding on to everything it can. Fight or Flight and my body is fighting.

But why? More to be determined there but basically my body likely isn't absorbing the nutrients I give it. Determining if it can absorb any at all is the next step when I return from Miami.

Meantime, Dr. T has me doing a few things to help me feel better: She wants me to wean off of the acide reflux medicine - you have to wean off these things or your body freaks out and over produces acid. It's miserable - I know firsthand how hard it is to get off the purple pill. A tablespoon of apple cider vinegar - Bragg's only - before I eat a meal will help to level out the acid and ensure that only good acid is being produced. Also licorice tablets in between meals instead of Xantac or  Tums if there are issues.

Cod liver oil is another addition with Vitamin A, D and some omega-3 fatty acids. This one is tough if only mentally. The name! But just once a day (admittedly I never got around to it yesterday - I was focused on a bad tummy) and lemon flavored. It just feels weird going down (yes, Victoria, Ty, Duane, Tiff - I KNOW what you are thinking!)

After Dr. T determines how deep the SIBO goes - as in can I absorb any nutrients or do we need to fix the leak first and then add in supplements - she wants to put me on vitamins B12, B6, Iron and pre- and probiotics.

I'm hopeful - a lot more so than I have been in at least a year. I'm also pretty annoyed at doctors who ignored or didn't see low-iron, protein and vitamin levels. Looks like my iron has been low for at leat a year. Seriously - I could have been feeling better?! Well, maybe not if I couldn't absorb anything then - but still! I actually found out my iron was low - despite feeling not so hot and this explains my fatigue - because I tried to give blood 3 times in the past 6 months but each time was turned away for low iron.

So I hope to get my life back - and I hope that on a day I spent an hour in the ladies room at work yesterday morning and then slept for hours after work - hardly able to open my eyes - like I had a flu - you know that feeling right? I had planned to go for a run and to a museum. I haven't made plans with two dear friends who live in Miami for fear I'll have to cancel.

I'm not asking to run marathons again - though I would like to - I'm just asking for most of my life back - not necessarily the extreme parts.

I made it upstairs and outside to write this and enjoy the view, a glass of wine and free hotel hour snacks (i.e. dinner). But then had to head back to bed. Around 8, I put my shoes on and went for a walk - determined not to let the day totally beat me.

B said today, "I give you a lot of credit for keeping up with the exercise with all this."

I told him it makes me a more decent human. :)

Free Hugs with your cocktail. I feel like that could happen anywhere - but I like it.

My blog in my chicken scratch - my view while writing

Interesting on my walk

No words

Anticipation

Eating Pizza for Breakfast and Other Disasters

Breakfast

The aftermath - giardiniera spill

So this was my morning - pizza good - my sister Heather appreciates my breakfast choices. And my Chicago friends will appreciate that I put the yummy pickled vegetable treat that is giardiniera on said pizza. 
This shortly after B and I both remembered I wasn't supposed to drink anything last night before this afternoon's functional medicine doctor appointment. Two glasses of wine with dinner and my appointment is at 3. Should be fine right?

I'm slightly anxious about today's appointment. I spent hours this week filling out my health, life, lifestyle, home-life history for this doctor I hope can help me. Everything from whether I had chicken pox (I did) to whether I have carpet in my home (I do- upstairs and I hate it.)

The doctor wants to know what I hope to get out of a relationship with her. That's quite a question. I'm hoping to get my life back. I guess that's quite an answer.

Today is an interview of sorts I guess - what do I think of her? Do I think she can help me connect the dots? And I guess she will be answering the same.

B was listing off symptoms for me last night - trying to remind me so I remember to mention everything: weight gain (highest figure ever - last and only time doctors determined a medication I was taking was causing the unstoppable increase on the scale); feet and leg edema, swelling; gray feet (thanks for the reminder Bev); cramping; constipation; abdominal pain; headaches; increased asthma exacerbations; fatigue; memory loss; foggy brain,; irritability; depression; etc.

I almost want to take him with me. I'm lucky we found each other. I hope he feels the same. I think so. :)

Yesterday evening, B and I took a walk on our lovely beach. Discussing his work projects, my doctor appointment, friends, trips this summer, my blog posts, this weekend (Kentucky Derby!), my work trip to Miami, a trip we hope to take to The Keys.

Sounds nice, doesn't it? It was.

Until Tomorrow (or maybe late today)

 

A Good Day

Hump Day

Being positive today.

I didn't get to yoga as I wanted nor did I run, but I did go for two short bike rides, had a nice walk with B after dinner, had a good, productive day at work, got my paperwork in for Friday's doctor appointment and laughed and smiled genuinely.

I also decided I need to visit some fuzzies - missing the Hadraba bunny and dogs. I used to see them a couple of times a week. This baby sloth in the news makes me want one!

My friend Allison got me calling pets fuzzies. B and I were trying to think of where we can go play with puppies and cats. There has to be a place nearby. Going to find a fuzzie to love on soon.

Also inspired today by this my local yoga studio shared:

You not believing in yourself is a tragedy. Stop that shit.

Ok.

Until tomorrow.

Almost Daily

Yay For Love and Friends

Ok, so I'm not your daily newspaper or department store email - but I'm not that far off with my promised posts.

I didn't fix anything, build anything or sail anything yesterday but I did spend a fabulous day - after work and a power outage - riding bikes with Bev, lunching and then B joined us for a  Kayak tour in our beautiful 10,000 islands.

We had, by the way, the world's most talkative and eco-shaming tour guide. It's hard to explain just how much she talked and just how far off topic she was capable of getting on what was supposed to be a 3-hour tour that turned into 4 hours, which would be fine under normal circumstances - but we all felt trapped! The woman needs an editor and a coach.

It was great to be out on the water nonetheless! And then we had a fabulous dinner at my favorite restaurant. Bev left this morning - after a much-needed visit. I miss us living close. (She really liked B, btw  - in case you were wondering).

After an hour of work and then breakfast with Bev, I spent most of the day fighting my insides - but working. After, I spent 3 hours working on paperwork for both the intermittent time-off I sometimes need for my chronic illnesses (this paperwork has to be refiled every 6 months) and paperwork for the function medicine doctor appointment on Friday. As Bev said "It's going to be worth it." Always positive - thanks Doc.

Being positive and up beat is something I'm really struggling with lately. And if you know me, you know that is just not me. For a cynical  journalist, I'm a glass-half-full, there's-something-positive-in -everyone,  the-world-is-my-oyster, Pollyanna-Glad-Game kinda girl. So this is tough for me and I hate being so self focused - dealing with my health. And I think it's hard for people who know me as me to be around me - it's not fun. I'm irritable and I hear my voice not sounding terribly pleasant - sometimes to those people I know and care about and sometimes to strangers (ugh).

My smiles are meh. I may have thrown a hanger at the closet last night when I was trying on clothes -finally ending in 1 of maybe 3 items in there that fit me. Every morning, there's the question: how do you feel? And that can change throughout the day. I could use a break from all this.

I want to be well so I can get healthy. And so I can stop thinking about myself all the time.

After all my paperwork, Sarah called. I miss Sarah and Charlie and their farm and their dogs and their cows and their laughs. I miss my room at their house, Sarah's delicious dinners by candlelight in their dining room or on the porch with spicy margaritas. I miss our long talks and late nights - and dancing.
We had such a great chat - a taste of a catch-up and some excellent laughs. xoxoxox

My insides have calmed down, I just did my nebulizer and I think I'll try a run/walk now. Of course that means dinner will be late - but I need the endorphins and to get outside.

Until tomorrow.