Healthy is a Feeling

(Written Wednesday, May 10, on a hotel notepad while enjoying a beautiful view).

To borrow from my yoga studio's post: Health is not a look; it's a feeling.

After a recent blog post, more than couple of people told me I should stop worrying about how I look and just be happy. For me - the two often are inseparable. When I'm feeling healthy, I can do all the things that make me look healthy inside and out. There's a glow that comes from the inside - from endorphins and joy and feeling right with the world. And there are the physical changes that come from being active.

So what I'm saying is I don't feel well or healthy. I won't repeat the myriad of ailments and symptoms I have previously discussed (whined about). But I will tell you about the hope I have after meeting with the functional medicine doctor I mentioned.

I like her - Dr. T I'll call her. She's my age, talks a mile a minute and seems to know her stuff.

She didn't start our first appointment with "so what's going on? Why are you here?" Instead, she had read and studied the questionnaire that took an hour and a half to complete. She had come up with a hypothesis about my health but had a few blanks to fill and some blood work to check (that's on hold until I return from a work trip).

Dr. T also took recent tests and studied those instead of making me repeat them - no need to add to the health-care bill - thank goodness!

After writing down the long list of meds I take each day - for asthma, for allergies, for SIBO - and perusing some nutrient levels, Dr. T. said: well no wonder you are complaining of weight gain!" She said the drug cocktail alone could cause me to pack on pounds but deficiencies in vitamins A, D, B12, B6, iron and protein have sent my body into panic mode - holding on to everything it can. Fight or Flight and my body is fighting.

But why? More to be determined there but basically my body likely isn't absorbing the nutrients I give it. Determining if it can absorb any at all is the next step when I return from Miami.

Meantime, Dr. T has me doing a few things to help me feel better: She wants me to wean off of the acide reflux medicine - you have to wean off these things or your body freaks out and over produces acid. It's miserable - I know firsthand how hard it is to get off the purple pill. A tablespoon of apple cider vinegar - Bragg's only - before I eat a meal will help to level out the acid and ensure that only good acid is being produced. Also licorice tablets in between meals instead of Xantac or  Tums if there are issues.

Cod liver oil is another addition with Vitamin A, D and some omega-3 fatty acids. This one is tough if only mentally. The name! But just once a day (admittedly I never got around to it yesterday - I was focused on a bad tummy) and lemon flavored. It just feels weird going down (yes, Victoria, Ty, Duane, Tiff - I KNOW what you are thinking!)

After Dr. T determines how deep the SIBO goes - as in can I absorb any nutrients or do we need to fix the leak first and then add in supplements - she wants to put me on vitamins B12, B6, Iron and pre- and probiotics.

I'm hopeful - a lot more so than I have been in at least a year. I'm also pretty annoyed at doctors who ignored or didn't see low-iron, protein and vitamin levels. Looks like my iron has been low for at leat a year. Seriously - I could have been feeling better?! Well, maybe not if I couldn't absorb anything then - but still! I actually found out my iron was low - despite feeling not so hot and this explains my fatigue - because I tried to give blood 3 times in the past 6 months but each time was turned away for low iron.

So I hope to get my life back - and I hope that on a day I spent an hour in the ladies room at work yesterday morning and then slept for hours after work - hardly able to open my eyes - like I had a flu - you know that feeling right? I had planned to go for a run and to a museum. I haven't made plans with two dear friends who live in Miami for fear I'll have to cancel.

I'm not asking to run marathons again - though I would like to - I'm just asking for most of my life back - not necessarily the extreme parts.

I made it upstairs and outside to write this and enjoy the view, a glass of wine and free hotel hour snacks (i.e. dinner). But then had to head back to bed. Around 8, I put my shoes on and went for a walk - determined not to let the day totally beat me.

B said today, "I give you a lot of credit for keeping up with the exercise with all this."

I told him it makes me a more decent human. :)

Free Hugs with your cocktail. I feel like that could happen anywhere - but I like it.

My blog in my chicken scratch - my view while writing

Interesting on my walk

No words

Inspiration for Days

This View; These People

Day three - I'm doing it.

How's this for an inspirational view?




Sitting here at B's watching the sunset feeling inspired (and obligated) to write a few words.

Feeling much better today. Worked all day - busy busy busy in the financial news world today. Took a short run, picked up a bike from my friend Doc for my friend Bev who is visiting tomorrow. Bev is visiting from New Jersey tomorrow - yay!!!! I haven't seen Bev since October and I'm thrilled - thrilled I tell you.

She gets to meet B (they missed each other the past two trips) and maybe, maybe Ty will join us on a pirate cruise tomorrow night. It's a touristy funny hour-long booze cruise that is a hoot. Hoping Bev's vertigo and sea-sickness remain at bay.

After work, the intestinal illness weighing on me needed a nap - so I took one. Still recovering but better. Lots better.

After that, I did some cleaning this afternoon for Bev's arrival and put some new furniture outside to create a little seating area out front - since my lanai is useless. haha. B said - you like your seating areas, your cozy spaces. Yes, yes, I do. I like my home to feel welcoming to me and anyone I invite in.



So many inspirational people today. Jeri and her loveliness and her puppy! Chris Thompson - and his caring, challenging ways. Karl and his obnoxiousness. Kate - just Kate.

So tomorrow it's shade hanging, floor cleaning,  morning and then just happy fun visiting with Bev. I cannot wait.

Tonight, I'm basking in this view and going to cook a whole snapper, stuffed with some herbs and citris.

Wow, just wow. And lucky me.

 

Because I Said I Would

Here We Go - Short and Sweet

I said I would so here I am.

Not sure what I have to say. It was a rough day in my intestines. I slept about two hours last night and work 2 hours today. After that, I was mostly curled up in a ball all day. Hoping the antibiotics kick in soon. They seem to be - looking forward to feeling better for work tomorrow.

I found some happy later when my stomach calmed down and I had slept. I plotted my next project, had a good chat with Lisa and some texting with Jess. I had had dinner plans with a long-time friend - Ty - visiting nearby this week. I was glad I was able to make it  - and said a quick hello to the beach while I was in Naples.

And B got home - finally - after two weeks away. Yay! He's sitting right here - hi! He asked "did you blog today like you said you would?"

 My next projects are simple, I think. I need to hang a shade in my bedroom, replace the vanity light in my upstairs main bathroom and take the fan down in my bedroom and adjust the faulty wiring (thanks LMFH who claimed to know all about - well all).

Keep you posted...

Cheers Ty

Hello beach

One happy moment

Everything and Me - Continual Works in Progress

A Daily Ritual?

I can't believe I haven't written since Jan. 20. I think about writing here ever day but it's been a rough couple of months of mental and physical self doubt and I didn't want to bring down the room.

I will try something new after today - I'll publish daily and see where that takes us. Did I just commit to publish my blog daily? Yikes.

So here's what is on my mind now and what comes to mind as I look back 3 months - I'm going to use my phone pics to guide me:

First thought is that perhaps this blog should be called Healing Everything: A Broken Woman's Attempt to Find Well Being.

Feels like an uphill battle many days.

Battling two chronic illnesses (SIBO and asthma if you recall) has taken a heavy toll on my body, my brain and my goals. I realized last week that I am really not at all myself and haven't been in probably a year - but it's been much worse since December (Jess and Chris moving) - I think I'm depressed. Struggle to smile genuinely and while I need people, I'm having a tough time seeing people. I don't look well. I don't feel well.

People ARE helping me - I'm letting them in - mostly. I have a tendency to shut out new people and sometimes even people I'm already close to - sometimes seeming like I don't care about THEM. I do I do. Just ask. I sometimes hide if I don't feel needed or if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to the world.

Knowing it or not, people help.  B especially. He gets the 24-7 of it all (even when he's out of town). He handles it all like a champ. And I fight not to close up or be too sensitive or question our future or question us. I try - I'm not always good about it - especially in my head.

And I have had some lovely visits with my parents, my sisters (Michelle, Heather, Summer), niece Jenny, B's fun, nice, friendly family and baby MAEVE :)  Friends Jess and Chris and their Finley and Max; Janel! I hadn't seen her in 10 years - what a delight! Kris and her ever calm, intelligent, fun, funny self;  Ty, Erin, Tiff, Booker, Brandon and Dennis in Phoenix. I needed that trip and that visit - though I thought Tiff and Erin might smack me for continually calling myself fat. It's only kind of the number on the scale - it's mostly my out of shape-ness and feeling weak and unable to do anything about it.

The constant endless cycle of asthma, SIBO, the two leg surgeries. I can't exercise consistently, am almost always bloated - my face from the endless rounds of Prednisone looks like I'm storing food for the winter; and the rest of my body ( I have gained 34 pounds in less than a year). My legs and feet continue to puff up twice their size despite the vein surgeries, and my abdomen is flabby but also bloats and distends painfully and embarrassingly. I have lost almost all my muscle strength and all the tone. Clothes don't fit and I want to hide. I feel like I'm under there somewhere.

I am a strong woman and I want to exude that mentally and physically and be useful to others - it's tough right now. I'm barely useful to myself.

That's most days. Some days - some days - my head is on straight and I ignore all that and hang out with friends and family who don't judge me - at least not aloud - and meet new people and feel good. I feel successful in my work and able to be useful to family and friends. I like those days.

Dealing with this, my career, basic life calamities ($1,400 in car repairs, tax extension because I'm still waiting on former partner to get paperwork to me, the lawsuit against LMFH,  the dream of kitchen countertops, HOA dues, HOA special assessment, doctors' appointments, insurance paperwork) is stressful. I know someone else always has it worse. So much worse. I think of my friend Kim - whose 10-year-old son is fighting an awful battle - I cannot and would not compare. This is just my life at the moment. And mine is going to be OK - I'm still sure of that.

So what am I doing about this aside from whining? I have an appointment next week with a Functional Medicine doctor - using both Western and Eastern medicines, these doctors look at the whole body. I am convinced that all of my issues are related and there has to be a way out. Well, maybe not the asthma (fueled the past three months by red tide and smoke from nearby wildfires) but at least we can get it under better control by dealing with the other issues, I hope. My pulmonologist thinks these are likely related too.

This week, I'm finishing the latest 3 weeks of Prednisone and am on an antibiotic for SIBO symptoms, which always flair up during the steroids. I have been feeling better and managed to run last night - I say run - it IS the first time in months I actually logged something as a run - I won't be too hard on myself as to how slow it was. And I ran in the dark where no one but me could see the belly. I also made it to my happy place - beach and beach yoga on Monday night. There was much grunting and failed postures and belly pain - but it was oh so good. I made it to restorative and gentle yoga at the local studio too. So helpful. Such lovely people.

Now - back to what this blog is about. What have I accomplished?

According to my iPhone, the best of the last 3 months included rum, hanging closet curtains in the guest room, putting my Sunfish (no I haven't sailed it) on my parents' jet ski lift, sunsets, some crazy hair, a stuffed cat on my head during Wildcat basketball season, a pirate boat ride with B and family, baby Maeve, a hospital gown selfie, a beach day with Q, silliness with Janel, joy with Kris, staining and hanging trim in my living room (nail gun!), making Irish whiskey cake for B for St. Patrick's Day, a boat ride with family, Phoenix, deviled eggs for Easter, a Harley ride with Dad, a visit with Lisa (we don't get together near enough), saved Internet pictures of Kate and Franco's wedding, wine and dinner at my local hangout, clouds, Oscar's birthday and a flower-laden, polka-dot overall-wearing manatee mailbox.

That sounds about right. The video my phone put together of all that gave me a genuine smile and warmed heart.

So I'll stop there on that happy note. And write again tomorrow.

Christmas, New Year's Cards And The Unmarried, Unpetted, Unchilded

 Can't Follow the Rules and Making Up Words Too

I have been thinking about Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's cards - because well it's that time of year and if I don't do it this week, it's probably not happening.

I love getting holiday cards. I love getting cards. I love sending cards (though if my birthday cards to you are on time, well, it's almost unheard of).

I have received a few cards already - Bev is always the first - usually right after Thanksgiving. Aunt Jan and my friend Julie have sent theirs too. I got my sister Shane's today! I love them - thank you! 

Where I struggle is that I love the updates and the pictures of my friends and family and the sweet notes and I want to return that - with updates and pictures. Um, pictures of what? I don't have a husband, pets or children. Me in a yoga pose? Me running? Me in a kayak? Me in my sailboat I don't sail yet? Me with a palm tree? Me and my never-going-to-be-finished condo?

Honestly, I have been sick or injured or post surgery practically all year so I haven't done a ton of these things - especially the past 6 months. I have just gotten completely out of shape and added pounds of flesh. So I'm not terribly excited about pictures of me anyway. 

So funny. Or not funny. You just have to have a sense of humor and realize things could be worse. Right?

I want to be able to tell my far-away friends I'm happy and healthy in my finished condo, with my sailboat, training for the half marathon in January that I signed up for but now can't run, out fishing and kayaking. 

I'm happy. There are things that would make me happier - but aren't there always? I'm happy with much in my life.

With B (truly lovely).

With friends (though not with Jess and Chris moving next week!)

I'm not so healthy and that's my biggest obstacle.

Vicious cycle: asthma, allergies, sinus infection, steroids, SIBO (think pain, giant bloated belly, missed work, malabsorption of nutrients so there's never any energy for cleaning, running, hockey, work), antibiotics for SIBO.

Working on it all though and hoping my vein surgery will help at least get me back to exercising. Right left vein surgery was first. Left leg is Dec. 28.

My condo may never be finished.

One day, I'll get my sail on.

I'm incredibly lucky to have friends who want to get together, friends who visit and family coming soon - they keep me busy and pushing off chores at my house so I can hang out with them. haha. 

I try to do too much - always - because life is short and the dust will be here tomorrow to clean up.

And with that, back to the holiday cards (no I'm not afraid to say Christmas cards or Merry Christmas so don't get all fired up out there - but mostly since mine are always late, I combine and say holiday to include New Year's, MLK Day, Festivus, Kwanzaa, whatever). I want to write everyone a nice note - doing too much or at least as much as everyone else. 
Here's what is more likely happen: if any get purchased and sent, they might just say Love, Kyle. 

Or this blog might be my greeting. So know you are loved and missed and wished a happy Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's season.  

Here are some pics to catch you up and show you I don't whine ALL the time:
GOING AWAY PARTIES

At Glen and June's house

At Marek's

At Pelican Pier

At Karl's

Green and red solos - and Q!

ASTHMA, SURGERY, KNIFE-WIELDING DISHWASHER

Knife-wielding dishwasher - poor B

Christmas bicycle!

 Tour de Taverns bike pub crawl charity event aftermath

Happy night with friends

Sometimes Shawn Cassidy makes the day 

 Grandma Matlock traditional Christmas candy and my Wildcats

Happy yoga with friends