The Heart and Home Update

An Overdue Post, Pneumonia and Finding New Paths

This post is a month overdue - since the first writing before posting, I wanted to mull it over more and show it to B since I was spewing stream of consciousness about love, life, relationships. My thoughts were about what I want, what I'm realizing I want or have always been searching for. I am hopeful the relationship I'm in is as described instead of how I seem to have worded the post - still looking. I'm not looking outside of the current state of B and K.

This post also is a month overdue because on June 22, I was fired - part of restructuring and downsizing but since I won't be called back, my profession calls this a firing. I was fired after 16 years as a financial journalist at a company at the top of the industry. Shocked doesn't do my feelings justice. I was trying to recover from an asthma exacerbation when I got the call - your job no longer exists as of this moment.

While reeling from this sudden change in my life, I contracted pneumonia, made a 4 a.m. visit to the ER on July 6 - a few hours later I was supposed to fly to Kentucky for a family reunion set around my grandaddy's 90th birthday. Obviously, I didn't get to go and have mostly been in bed since that day.


I'll miss another summer trip starting this weekend - B's family vacation in the Outer Banks. He feels comfortable enough now leaving me here this Friday but fears for me trying to travel there in a weakened state, weakened immune system (airports, planes, babies, overexertion that's sure the ensue, no hospitals nearby). My doctor today agreed. She said if I were to catch something on the plane, it would cause a real set back and possibly land me in the hospital. "You know this," she said. I do - I just don't like it and I'm bummed.

B has been a rock, as Jess put it, and I completely agree. Taking amazing care of me. I haven't driven and have barely left the house in the past 12 days. Doctors  - and my Mom who had pneumonia in December - say this is to be expected.  At least a month before I'll have any decent energy and months more before I'm 100%. My doctor today said I'm on track in my misery - chest pain, still coughing, exhausted, no appetite, toddlers can beat me walking. That's going to go on for a while, she said.

I have kept up with my new functional-medicine-directed regimen - as B says, it probably is helping a lot that I had a month in my system.

Today was a big day - I visited Oscar at Wake Up Marco, I walked the 1/4 mile home from there after B dropped me off. I slowly climbed the stairs at my home. showered. drove my car, went to the drugstore and the grocery store. Now, I'm pooped beyond believe and I suspect I'll sleep for the next two days.

So here you go - two posts in one. Below is a post I wrote in June. Lots of heart in here. Lots of head stuff going on too. New paths ahead - no idea when I will find them  (or they find me) or where they will take me. And that's OK. I'm ready - or perhaps I will be after I recover from pneumonia, after I get my already started path toward health back on track and after settle things with my old job and feel like I can move forward.

Stuff that Runs Through My Head (You've Been Warned)

Floating in the blue-green waves of the Gulf of Mexico recently, I thought about something my older sister Michelle said to me a few months ago. Chelle said she feels certain there's some purpose in life that hasn't found her yet. I have been thinking a lot about that because my sister is someone to admire.

Chelle put herself through nursing school while raising four children and working full time, as was her husband. Their four children are wonderful humans - the youngest just graduated from high school; one is in college; the oldest - my godchild - is a teacher and mother of two boys; and the fourth was in the Army and now is in the reserves, is married to his high school sweetheart and is about to be a father. Chelle is a caregiver to everyone whether at work or outside of it. She is a two-cancer survivor. She has run two marathons (one I ran with her!) And she's a grandmother (a very young one) who enjoys every second with her grandbabies.

And this amazing woman thinks she should be doing more in the world. Well that certainly makes me an utter failure. I'm divorced. I didn't do what I set out to do journalistic-ally - though I enjoy(ed) what I am doing in that realm.  I have no children. I don't even have a pet.  I have no one committed to share my life with, no one who is committed to creating and walking a path with and me with him. No one who I have committed to love and adore and who has committed to love and adore me. Michelle's and husband Jeff certainly do - oh sure they bicker and disagree sometimes but seriously you should see them together. There is zero doubt. I haven't finished my condo. My finances remain a mess. I haven't learned to sail. I let a con artist break my heart and take my money. Yep - I have failed in comparison for sure.

I have always tried not to compare myself with others but to just be myself. It's just - reflecting on my life now, at this point, I'm wondering where it leads. So many people look at my social media and say - oh Kyle, you sure live the life.

I have managed to move somewhere that many would be envious of - there are many TV shows dedicated to just that. But would they trade their current location filled with family and friends for the vacation location and for the hope of being healthy? They might if it were with the their true love and partner. I did it alone. To be fair, I see my family more since I moved to Florida than I did living in North Carolina or New Jersey. I of course wish we lived closer but that's not where life and work took me.  I miss my amazing friends in New Jersey (especially my hockey girls) and North Carolina and Kentucky and Ohio (that one is you Jeri).

I have made wonderful friends here - though we don't see each other often. I'm not part of that sense of community - but maybe that takes time. I don't go to or have dinner parties, pool parties, weekly get-togethers. Part of that, I think, is that our community is made up mostly of families and baby boomers. In NJ, I hung out with all my close friends' families. Perhaps I just need to live here longer to make those closer relationships.

I always thought I would be building a life WITH someone. I'm very independent - and yet I want a my friends partner too. I guess I'm needy too  - see all my health issues and all the support B has given me. Couldn't have gotten through without him. And he certainly shows me everyday that he cares deeply about me. But aside from that, I need someone to love and be loved by. I need someone to hold hands with. I need someone to plan with, look to the future with, travel with, have intelligent conversations with and snuggle with, comfort and be comforted by.

Doesn't everyone want this?

Doesn't everyone want to shout from the rooftops - I'm with this person. I love him and he loves me?!

Does it matter where you live as long as you are together? Do you find the perfect place together?

I'm a romantic. Yes, you can be independent, strong, feminist (that just means equal, people) and athletic and still be a romantic. My favorite movies are love stories: "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "Sharade,"Sweet Home Alabama," "Sabrina," "The Quiet Man," "The Bishop's Wife," "To Catch a Thief," "An Affair to Remember," "The Notebook," "Gone With the Wind," "The Princess Bride," "Casablanca," and many more.

I want that.

**I can totally see how I wrote this - a little sad, a little what if. I think that's ok. I don't doubt B or us. I also don't doubt future heartbreak is possible. That is the chance I'm - we're - taking. It's part of the journey.

The Joy of Food I'll Miss

The Medical Update

I saw my functional medicine doctor Tuesday for my blood results - the basic stuff like iron, vitamins, minerals, blood cell count, etc., along with food allergy tests and tests for food sensitivities.

We'll start with the vitamins. Iron is stupid low and my iron stores are practically non-existent. Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, Vitamin B6 -- all very low. So there are supplements for all this PLUS a shake I finally made myself drink today. It's a cleanse with lots of vitamins and 26g of protein. I'm supposed to drink it once a day either as a snack or meal replacement. Oscar tasted it first and we made it warm - and it was not disgusting.

Still taking cod liver oil, apple cider vinegar and pro/prebiotic.

I'll get some enzymes after the doctor gets the results of some blood work I had done Wednesday.

Now here's the good news, bad news:

I don't have leaky gut. Yay! That means those supplements should start working very soon and I should start feeling better very soon.

The not so awesome news is that I have 34 food sensitivities. I have to avoid these 34 items for at least 3 months and possibly for life.  Ok, you say, if it makes you feel better, stop whining. Gluten and wheat were two of them - no problem - I stopped eating those already as have millions of other people also have. No big deal.

Now for the rest (a reminder I don't eat meat, only fish, eggs, cheese and milk - lactose free even - not anymore!). Foods in addition to gluten and wheat that must be avoided for at least three months: crab; almonds; all dairy including eggs, cheese, milk (lactose free or not); malt; brewers yeast (that includes wine. This is worth repeating - THAT MEANS WINE); honey (my only sweetener for the past year plus); bell peppers; asparagus; ginger; fig; pineapple; mango; banana; green beans; black-eyed peas; navy beans; kidney beans; and a few others I can't quite recall but have a little card to carry in my purse.

It certainly is going to make it hard to go out to eat - I'm basically a fish eater who is otherwise vegan and gluten free.

It's even hard to eat in a grocery store. B and I went to Whole Foods Wednesday night to eat at the food buffet and then shop. I ate basmati rice with green onions and a tablespoon of lentil and quinoa salad. Good thing I'm sick and have had very little appetite. When I say sick, I mean I have barely pulled my head off the pillow for days. It started with asthma - I suspect caused by a run outside during which planes dropped mosquito killing poison on me and the island.

 I told Jess that I'm reluctantly enthusiastic about the new food plan. An oxymoron I'm sure, but I'm all in, following the "Wellness Plan" - that doesn't mean I like it or that I don't already miss cheese and wine and bell peppers and eating out. I do. And I'll likely keep whining about it but I'll keep following the plan.

Keep you posted - and there's a heart and home update in the works.

Everything and Me - Continual Works in Progress

A Daily Ritual?

I can't believe I haven't written since Jan. 20. I think about writing here ever day but it's been a rough couple of months of mental and physical self doubt and I didn't want to bring down the room.

I will try something new after today - I'll publish daily and see where that takes us. Did I just commit to publish my blog daily? Yikes.

So here's what is on my mind now and what comes to mind as I look back 3 months - I'm going to use my phone pics to guide me:

First thought is that perhaps this blog should be called Healing Everything: A Broken Woman's Attempt to Find Well Being.

Feels like an uphill battle many days.

Battling two chronic illnesses (SIBO and asthma if you recall) has taken a heavy toll on my body, my brain and my goals. I realized last week that I am really not at all myself and haven't been in probably a year - but it's been much worse since December (Jess and Chris moving) - I think I'm depressed. Struggle to smile genuinely and while I need people, I'm having a tough time seeing people. I don't look well. I don't feel well.

People ARE helping me - I'm letting them in - mostly. I have a tendency to shut out new people and sometimes even people I'm already close to - sometimes seeming like I don't care about THEM. I do I do. Just ask. I sometimes hide if I don't feel needed or if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to the world.

Knowing it or not, people help.  B especially. He gets the 24-7 of it all (even when he's out of town). He handles it all like a champ. And I fight not to close up or be too sensitive or question our future or question us. I try - I'm not always good about it - especially in my head.

And I have had some lovely visits with my parents, my sisters (Michelle, Heather, Summer), niece Jenny, B's fun, nice, friendly family and baby MAEVE :)  Friends Jess and Chris and their Finley and Max; Janel! I hadn't seen her in 10 years - what a delight! Kris and her ever calm, intelligent, fun, funny self;  Ty, Erin, Tiff, Booker, Brandon and Dennis in Phoenix. I needed that trip and that visit - though I thought Tiff and Erin might smack me for continually calling myself fat. It's only kind of the number on the scale - it's mostly my out of shape-ness and feeling weak and unable to do anything about it.

The constant endless cycle of asthma, SIBO, the two leg surgeries. I can't exercise consistently, am almost always bloated - my face from the endless rounds of Prednisone looks like I'm storing food for the winter; and the rest of my body ( I have gained 34 pounds in less than a year). My legs and feet continue to puff up twice their size despite the vein surgeries, and my abdomen is flabby but also bloats and distends painfully and embarrassingly. I have lost almost all my muscle strength and all the tone. Clothes don't fit and I want to hide. I feel like I'm under there somewhere.

I am a strong woman and I want to exude that mentally and physically and be useful to others - it's tough right now. I'm barely useful to myself.

That's most days. Some days - some days - my head is on straight and I ignore all that and hang out with friends and family who don't judge me - at least not aloud - and meet new people and feel good. I feel successful in my work and able to be useful to family and friends. I like those days.

Dealing with this, my career, basic life calamities ($1,400 in car repairs, tax extension because I'm still waiting on former partner to get paperwork to me, the lawsuit against LMFH,  the dream of kitchen countertops, HOA dues, HOA special assessment, doctors' appointments, insurance paperwork) is stressful. I know someone else always has it worse. So much worse. I think of my friend Kim - whose 10-year-old son is fighting an awful battle - I cannot and would not compare. This is just my life at the moment. And mine is going to be OK - I'm still sure of that.

So what am I doing about this aside from whining? I have an appointment next week with a Functional Medicine doctor - using both Western and Eastern medicines, these doctors look at the whole body. I am convinced that all of my issues are related and there has to be a way out. Well, maybe not the asthma (fueled the past three months by red tide and smoke from nearby wildfires) but at least we can get it under better control by dealing with the other issues, I hope. My pulmonologist thinks these are likely related too.

This week, I'm finishing the latest 3 weeks of Prednisone and am on an antibiotic for SIBO symptoms, which always flair up during the steroids. I have been feeling better and managed to run last night - I say run - it IS the first time in months I actually logged something as a run - I won't be too hard on myself as to how slow it was. And I ran in the dark where no one but me could see the belly. I also made it to my happy place - beach and beach yoga on Monday night. There was much grunting and failed postures and belly pain - but it was oh so good. I made it to restorative and gentle yoga at the local studio too. So helpful. Such lovely people.

Now - back to what this blog is about. What have I accomplished?

According to my iPhone, the best of the last 3 months included rum, hanging closet curtains in the guest room, putting my Sunfish (no I haven't sailed it) on my parents' jet ski lift, sunsets, some crazy hair, a stuffed cat on my head during Wildcat basketball season, a pirate boat ride with B and family, baby Maeve, a hospital gown selfie, a beach day with Q, silliness with Janel, joy with Kris, staining and hanging trim in my living room (nail gun!), making Irish whiskey cake for B for St. Patrick's Day, a boat ride with family, Phoenix, deviled eggs for Easter, a Harley ride with Dad, a visit with Lisa (we don't get together near enough), saved Internet pictures of Kate and Franco's wedding, wine and dinner at my local hangout, clouds, Oscar's birthday and a flower-laden, polka-dot overall-wearing manatee mailbox.

That sounds about right. The video my phone put together of all that gave me a genuine smile and warmed heart.

So I'll stop there on that happy note. And write again tomorrow.

Christmas, New Year's Cards And The Unmarried, Unpetted, Unchilded

 Can't Follow the Rules and Making Up Words Too

I have been thinking about Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's cards - because well it's that time of year and if I don't do it this week, it's probably not happening.

I love getting holiday cards. I love getting cards. I love sending cards (though if my birthday cards to you are on time, well, it's almost unheard of).

I have received a few cards already - Bev is always the first - usually right after Thanksgiving. Aunt Jan and my friend Julie have sent theirs too. I got my sister Shane's today! I love them - thank you! 

Where I struggle is that I love the updates and the pictures of my friends and family and the sweet notes and I want to return that - with updates and pictures. Um, pictures of what? I don't have a husband, pets or children. Me in a yoga pose? Me running? Me in a kayak? Me in my sailboat I don't sail yet? Me with a palm tree? Me and my never-going-to-be-finished condo?

Honestly, I have been sick or injured or post surgery practically all year so I haven't done a ton of these things - especially the past 6 months. I have just gotten completely out of shape and added pounds of flesh. So I'm not terribly excited about pictures of me anyway. 

So funny. Or not funny. You just have to have a sense of humor and realize things could be worse. Right?

I want to be able to tell my far-away friends I'm happy and healthy in my finished condo, with my sailboat, training for the half marathon in January that I signed up for but now can't run, out fishing and kayaking. 

I'm happy. There are things that would make me happier - but aren't there always? I'm happy with much in my life.

With B (truly lovely).

With friends (though not with Jess and Chris moving next week!)

I'm not so healthy and that's my biggest obstacle.

Vicious cycle: asthma, allergies, sinus infection, steroids, SIBO (think pain, giant bloated belly, missed work, malabsorption of nutrients so there's never any energy for cleaning, running, hockey, work), antibiotics for SIBO.

Working on it all though and hoping my vein surgery will help at least get me back to exercising. Right left vein surgery was first. Left leg is Dec. 28.

My condo may never be finished.

One day, I'll get my sail on.

I'm incredibly lucky to have friends who want to get together, friends who visit and family coming soon - they keep me busy and pushing off chores at my house so I can hang out with them. haha. 

I try to do too much - always - because life is short and the dust will be here tomorrow to clean up.

And with that, back to the holiday cards (no I'm not afraid to say Christmas cards or Merry Christmas so don't get all fired up out there - but mostly since mine are always late, I combine and say holiday to include New Year's, MLK Day, Festivus, Kwanzaa, whatever). I want to write everyone a nice note - doing too much or at least as much as everyone else. 
Here's what is more likely happen: if any get purchased and sent, they might just say Love, Kyle. 

Or this blog might be my greeting. So know you are loved and missed and wished a happy Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's season.  

Here are some pics to catch you up and show you I don't whine ALL the time:
GOING AWAY PARTIES

At Glen and June's house

At Marek's

At Pelican Pier

At Karl's

Green and red solos - and Q!

ASTHMA, SURGERY, KNIFE-WIELDING DISHWASHER

Knife-wielding dishwasher - poor B

Christmas bicycle!

 Tour de Taverns bike pub crawl charity event aftermath

Happy night with friends

Sometimes Shawn Cassidy makes the day 

 Grandma Matlock traditional Christmas candy and my Wildcats

Happy yoga with friends

Funny Household Fixes

Seemingly Simple Things - Aren't!

Still laid up with asthma (crappy lungs) and bad gut bacteria (fun with SIBO*). I haven't gotten much accomplished and it seems daily there's always something new to accomplish. Isn't that homeowner life though?! haha

Trying to stay positive in my inability to run, do yoga, play hockey, work on sailboats, work in my career much, socialize or think (I'm a big grumpy grumbly mess when I'm not doubled over in pain or struggling to breath - I'm so much fun!) - I'm taking a look at some of the good things, funny things, lovely people in the past couple of weeks. 

Sweet texts from friends keeping in touch - you know who you are. Summer, Heather, Mom, Dad, Q, Kate, Erin, Jess (your children who hug me and giggle and make me smile), Courtney, Janelle, Jeri, Julie, Dougie, Vonda, Kaylee, Crispy, June, David, Stephen, Gina, Oscar, Julie - and so many more sweet friends and family. 

A care package!!! 

Janelle, you made my day, my week!

K's birthday - celebrated from afar and via Jess delivery. Miss her.

Dryer vent: WHY is THAT so difficult? There has to be a better way. Thanks Brendan - my hero seemingly always - who makes me laugh and laughs with me. 

I struggled and huffed and puffed. B squeezed behind the dryer and succeeded. 

This thing! 

Storm door: A few weeks ago, I returned from the ER with Erin - we had gone during a thunderstorm so I could get some breathing relief - to find the lovely storm door Elana, Brad (and the onlooking supportive Bothwells) and I had installed to be broken. It wouldn't close - the hinge was bent and warped. I ordered a new hinge, which sat in its box for a week - or two.

Ahem - who put that piece on wrong? Brad?!!!

                                                                          

All better. Good as new. Oh - it IS new!

      Other happies:                                                                                                                                                                      

Coffee mug prezzie :) 

Mimosa in the middle of the afternoon.

Julie, friends and a beach afternoon

Uncle Jimmy

Oscar! 

Happy lovebird friends. Kate and Franco.

Works in progress - still:
Eventually this TV is going to be on this messy wall. The bracket is up finally! 

Still no file cabinet - ugh. Whatever - I'm on enough Prednisone going forward that eventually I will feel better and sh!t will get done.

*What is SIBO?
http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2014/03/25/sibo-a-four-letter-word-for-bloating
http://blog.katescarlata.com/fodmaps-basics/low-fodmap-shopping-list/