Life Without Cheese

And Other Events Since July 18 (For Real This Time)

Happy Solar Eclipse Day! This is perfect for today - I'm talking about cheese and my path - perhaps my path of totality.

Moon made of cheese, Total Eclipse

Once again, it has been more than a month since I have posted. Ugh.

I have written pages and pages in my head but haven't been able to make myself sit down at the computer and type. I'll say this: pneumonia recovery is intense; pneumonia recovery with the stress of borrowing money to pay bills, meeting with attorneys to discuss lost job and severance docs and attempting to file for unemployment benefits (mostly an exercise in frustration) is painful and overwhelming.

I'm going to try to not make this a whine fest. I'm struggling with that lately. I'm letting everything get to me and feeling like a failure most days when most of my life I have been an upbeat, positive, glass half full, PollyAnna Glad kind of girl.

Since my last post, lots and lots of ups - improvement in my health. I still sleep 9-10 hours a night (this for a lifelong 5-6 hour a night sleeper sounds crazy) but I haven't been napping during the say along with that sleep. I want to most days but it's not required as it was for two months. I turned a corner about a week ago - more energy, more color in my face and the lung exerciser (you know the weird plastic contraption where you have to keep the ball between the lines while getting the plunger to rise) is much easier now and stairs no longer cause a panic.

I have run - well walk/run - 3 times this week. Two to three miles. I'm as sore as if I had run a marathon - not kidding. For my running friends, I walk downstairs sideways. At night, I am coughing more, but from what I have read, I will likely have mucus created by the pneumonia for several months. Mucus is the enemy of asthma so I'm watchful of my peak flow numbers and how my lungs are feeling. B is incredibly watchful - he is very observant of my breathing and my purple lip when it shows up and takes better care of me than I do of myself. 💓

Eating - here's the cheese part. I miss cheese. I'm pretty sure I will always miss cheese. Dr. Trudy says I will likely not be able to have it again - at least not without consequences. I don't think I will get over not having cheese. I likely will get over having wheat and gluten - though I Do miss sandwiches and beer. As of Aug. 13, I made it two months on the elimination diet and ultra supplements including my daily shake (sometimes twice a day). I was supposed to only have one month left before the great adding back experiment began but Dr. Trudy thinks because of the pneumonia-steroids-antibiotic gut set back, I should add another month before I start the experiment. The experiment involves eating three servings of a banned food in one day and waiting 72 hours for any effects. You might remember I have 34 banned foods. If each food only takes the three days (in that it doesn't make me so sick I need more time to get over it), that's 102 days.

There are worse things and I feel better. My gut feels better. My brain feels better. My body is on the mend. I imagine I would be feeling pretty tremendous by now had I not gotten pneumonia.

Other happenings

My other sailboat is dead. My wooden sailboat - named Sloopy but I had another name chosen. I won't share it because I never put her in the water and conducted the name changing ceremony. I had to destroy her and throw her away. I went to move the boat from one storage spot to another and she had rotted out. My friend Karl and I figured out how to keep her local by chopping her up and dropping her at the local recycling center. That was July 19.

Since then, I have seen some beautiful sunsets; taken a couple of boat rides; had a couple of meltdowns - over feeling like a failure, questioning my existence, upset I still have barrel belly; made some fun food, watched a lot of HGTV and FOOD; discovered a decently yummy but weird vegan gluten free mac and cheese; had some very nice chats, texts, prezzies, coffee visits, boat visits and words of encouragement from lovely friends; packed and unpacked from my missed trips; celebrated B's birthday; and found more restaurants and kind chefs to put up with all my eating restrictions.

I have figured out a new path or a new path to begin the path of totality - more on that later. I'm excited and nervous. It's not traditional. I can keep getting well and do it. I might need a part-time job for a bit to go along with it. That's enough information for now. 

I made quinoa and roasted tofu stuffed poblano peppers

Those are sun dried tomatoes

From Jeri

I made edame hummus stuffed endive with seared tuna and scallions

Inspiration for Days

This View; These People

Day three - I'm doing it.

How's this for an inspirational view?




Sitting here at B's watching the sunset feeling inspired (and obligated) to write a few words.

Feeling much better today. Worked all day - busy busy busy in the financial news world today. Took a short run, picked up a bike from my friend Doc for my friend Bev who is visiting tomorrow. Bev is visiting from New Jersey tomorrow - yay!!!! I haven't seen Bev since October and I'm thrilled - thrilled I tell you.

She gets to meet B (they missed each other the past two trips) and maybe, maybe Ty will join us on a pirate cruise tomorrow night. It's a touristy funny hour-long booze cruise that is a hoot. Hoping Bev's vertigo and sea-sickness remain at bay.

After work, the intestinal illness weighing on me needed a nap - so I took one. Still recovering but better. Lots better.

After that, I did some cleaning this afternoon for Bev's arrival and put some new furniture outside to create a little seating area out front - since my lanai is useless. haha. B said - you like your seating areas, your cozy spaces. Yes, yes, I do. I like my home to feel welcoming to me and anyone I invite in.



So many inspirational people today. Jeri and her loveliness and her puppy! Chris Thompson - and his caring, challenging ways. Karl and his obnoxiousness. Kate - just Kate.

So tomorrow it's shade hanging, floor cleaning,  morning and then just happy fun visiting with Bev. I cannot wait.

Tonight, I'm basking in this view and going to cook a whole snapper, stuffed with some herbs and citris.

Wow, just wow. And lucky me.

 

Everything and Me - Continual Works in Progress

A Daily Ritual?

I can't believe I haven't written since Jan. 20. I think about writing here ever day but it's been a rough couple of months of mental and physical self doubt and I didn't want to bring down the room.

I will try something new after today - I'll publish daily and see where that takes us. Did I just commit to publish my blog daily? Yikes.

So here's what is on my mind now and what comes to mind as I look back 3 months - I'm going to use my phone pics to guide me:

First thought is that perhaps this blog should be called Healing Everything: A Broken Woman's Attempt to Find Well Being.

Feels like an uphill battle many days.

Battling two chronic illnesses (SIBO and asthma if you recall) has taken a heavy toll on my body, my brain and my goals. I realized last week that I am really not at all myself and haven't been in probably a year - but it's been much worse since December (Jess and Chris moving) - I think I'm depressed. Struggle to smile genuinely and while I need people, I'm having a tough time seeing people. I don't look well. I don't feel well.

People ARE helping me - I'm letting them in - mostly. I have a tendency to shut out new people and sometimes even people I'm already close to - sometimes seeming like I don't care about THEM. I do I do. Just ask. I sometimes hide if I don't feel needed or if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to the world.

Knowing it or not, people help.  B especially. He gets the 24-7 of it all (even when he's out of town). He handles it all like a champ. And I fight not to close up or be too sensitive or question our future or question us. I try - I'm not always good about it - especially in my head.

And I have had some lovely visits with my parents, my sisters (Michelle, Heather, Summer), niece Jenny, B's fun, nice, friendly family and baby MAEVE :)  Friends Jess and Chris and their Finley and Max; Janel! I hadn't seen her in 10 years - what a delight! Kris and her ever calm, intelligent, fun, funny self;  Ty, Erin, Tiff, Booker, Brandon and Dennis in Phoenix. I needed that trip and that visit - though I thought Tiff and Erin might smack me for continually calling myself fat. It's only kind of the number on the scale - it's mostly my out of shape-ness and feeling weak and unable to do anything about it.

The constant endless cycle of asthma, SIBO, the two leg surgeries. I can't exercise consistently, am almost always bloated - my face from the endless rounds of Prednisone looks like I'm storing food for the winter; and the rest of my body ( I have gained 34 pounds in less than a year). My legs and feet continue to puff up twice their size despite the vein surgeries, and my abdomen is flabby but also bloats and distends painfully and embarrassingly. I have lost almost all my muscle strength and all the tone. Clothes don't fit and I want to hide. I feel like I'm under there somewhere.

I am a strong woman and I want to exude that mentally and physically and be useful to others - it's tough right now. I'm barely useful to myself.

That's most days. Some days - some days - my head is on straight and I ignore all that and hang out with friends and family who don't judge me - at least not aloud - and meet new people and feel good. I feel successful in my work and able to be useful to family and friends. I like those days.

Dealing with this, my career, basic life calamities ($1,400 in car repairs, tax extension because I'm still waiting on former partner to get paperwork to me, the lawsuit against LMFH,  the dream of kitchen countertops, HOA dues, HOA special assessment, doctors' appointments, insurance paperwork) is stressful. I know someone else always has it worse. So much worse. I think of my friend Kim - whose 10-year-old son is fighting an awful battle - I cannot and would not compare. This is just my life at the moment. And mine is going to be OK - I'm still sure of that.

So what am I doing about this aside from whining? I have an appointment next week with a Functional Medicine doctor - using both Western and Eastern medicines, these doctors look at the whole body. I am convinced that all of my issues are related and there has to be a way out. Well, maybe not the asthma (fueled the past three months by red tide and smoke from nearby wildfires) but at least we can get it under better control by dealing with the other issues, I hope. My pulmonologist thinks these are likely related too.

This week, I'm finishing the latest 3 weeks of Prednisone and am on an antibiotic for SIBO symptoms, which always flair up during the steroids. I have been feeling better and managed to run last night - I say run - it IS the first time in months I actually logged something as a run - I won't be too hard on myself as to how slow it was. And I ran in the dark where no one but me could see the belly. I also made it to my happy place - beach and beach yoga on Monday night. There was much grunting and failed postures and belly pain - but it was oh so good. I made it to restorative and gentle yoga at the local studio too. So helpful. Such lovely people.

Now - back to what this blog is about. What have I accomplished?

According to my iPhone, the best of the last 3 months included rum, hanging closet curtains in the guest room, putting my Sunfish (no I haven't sailed it) on my parents' jet ski lift, sunsets, some crazy hair, a stuffed cat on my head during Wildcat basketball season, a pirate boat ride with B and family, baby Maeve, a hospital gown selfie, a beach day with Q, silliness with Janel, joy with Kris, staining and hanging trim in my living room (nail gun!), making Irish whiskey cake for B for St. Patrick's Day, a boat ride with family, Phoenix, deviled eggs for Easter, a Harley ride with Dad, a visit with Lisa (we don't get together near enough), saved Internet pictures of Kate and Franco's wedding, wine and dinner at my local hangout, clouds, Oscar's birthday and a flower-laden, polka-dot overall-wearing manatee mailbox.

That sounds about right. The video my phone put together of all that gave me a genuine smile and warmed heart.

So I'll stop there on that happy note. And write again tomorrow.

Hi It's Me

Colors, Emotions, New Dawns, Breathing Deeply

My color is aqua blue today - not green blue but blue green if you're thinking 120 box of Crayons.

I discover a day's color usually only if I have attended yoga practice. I find it in Savasana (shah-VAH-sah-nah) - that last delicious pose of relaxation and letting go. It's a tough one - eyes closed almost finished with practice and trying so hard not to let your mind wander to the rest of the day. What's next? What will I eat? Who am I meeting?

The color finds me. Some days I have to hunt for it in my mind. Sometimes there are lots of colors and I have to still my mind to settle on the one.

This all began during a meditation that followed yoga one Tuesday night on the beach. Debby was teaching and it was my first meditation. She guided us through it beautifully. And ever since, I find my color after class no matter who is teaching. It's lovely and something I look forward to. It's calming or energizing or smile making.

Today's color was calming.

I needed it. Much has happened (good and bad) and not happened since my last post oh so long ago and I'm trying to look toward the future and find focus. I'm struggling. Also, today is inauguration day - a day of trepidation, hope, uncertainty for the coming four years when there is a new president - and sometimes when there is not.Good things: 

• Visit to Rochester, NY, with B for Christmas with his family. It was a lovely Christmas. He's a good egg. Perhaps the best egg. I got to meet Maeve - B's niece who I have adored in pics since she was born. She's even cuter in person - so much fun.

• Came home from my trip and my sister Heather and her family had arrived with our parents. Love those kiddos of hers - and love her and her husband too! Heather, Matt, Ana and Alex went home after a week but now my parents are nearby until May. That's nice.
• So many Christmas wishes and cards and love. Grandaddy sent me  a lovely necklace. He's the bestest best egg of them all. Then my dad. Then B. :)
• I had my second leg surgery - all healed from that now. May have to have some tweaks.
• New Year's with friends and family - spent the day watching Kentucky basketball (Go CATS) with family. Spent the evening with B, Karl and my Chicago "family" - the Bothwells.
• On my birthday, I felt loved and cherished (Jeri, Bev, B, Mom and Dad, family, Courtney, Stephen, The Cookies, Erin, Karl, Dougie, Squid Bits, Brad, Karen and so many more including special guests down from Wisconsin - Kristen, Chris and Jess).
  
  And then I felt sick. I spent the early morning the day after in the ER (this part goes in the Not So Good Things list).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Heather, Matt, Ana, Alex

  
  

  

  With Lynn and Karen

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Not so good things:

• Being sick on my birthday, having to leave birthday dinner early, spending evening miserable and in pain, spending 4 hours in the ER, finding out the antibiotics I was given weren't for what I had and had to go see primary care for something new that actually made me feel better soonest.
• The ER charging my debit card $1,000 instead of the $100 copay was I was supposed to be charged. Between the ER, the holiday and the bank, it caused a lot of stress, annoyance and troubles.
• Fighting lab company that tells me insurance won't pay while insurance says it never received a bill and it would be covered 100% - it's in collections. Advocate helping me sort it but it's another layer of stress and exhaustion.
• THE lawsuit. Ongoing annoyances with clerk's office and confusing legal stuff ('nuf said).
• Never-ending brokeness. It's just stressful. I keep trying. One day I will get it sorted. I will.
• And finally, I broke Washington D.C. So sad. I liked watching it snow in the capital.
  
  
  
  

More good things:

• Did some serious purging and cleaning and reorganizing in my place - mainly so Nomee (who had to cancel a planned visit) and Jess and Chris didn't have to climb over boxes to get to the guest bed, but it feels good too. Really starting to have a homey vibe around here.
  

  

  Hanging things, setting up the bar

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Lots of visitors in February to look forward to.
  
• Oscar.
  
• I think I'm mostly well.
  
• Little things are joyful - like dolphins jumping, the 90-year-old (at least) man riding a 3-wheeled bicycle today, pictures and letters from my many nieces and nephews, seeing the babies faces and videos. B showed me one of Maeve using a Bills sippy cup the other day and my nephews Lincoln and Jackson were bouncing around with my brother Bob on Facebook last week - loved it.
   Amanda, feel free to send lots of videos of the boys!
  
• Sunsets - I honestly get grumpy when I miss one.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Colors.
  
• And this from today's presidential inauguration: 

KEEP FAITH, KEEP WATCH, 
TAKE HEART, TAKE COURAGE, 
GUARD MIND, GUARD SPIRIT. 
FEED LOVE, FEED LONGING - The chorus of an original song written for the Missouri State University Choral to sing today.

http://blogs.missouristate.edu/inauguration/2017/01/19/the-lyrics-of-an-original/

I'm certainly taking heart. I'm good at that - I'm yellow.